Sometimes I wonder why was I given the lifestyle, experiences and taste of the rich and smart when my body and mind is below average. I feel like Icarus who flew close to the sun.

All that secondary research curation was me feeling good about myself via borrowed intelligence, and being validated in finding interesting material by academics made me feel good but I was foolish to think highly of myself just for that

Now that I'm on rock bottom I truly am in touch with how average I am, both on paper and in mind/raw intellectual ability, creativity